Closet Chronicles
by Lady Carlton
Summary: What's in the mind of Cas when he realizes he's about to lose pretty much everything? Set after Season 6 finale.


**DISCLAIMER: **_I **do not own** Castiel, nor anything SUPERNATURAL related._

**This is something I came up with while listening to "Closet Chronicles" by Kansas, and inspired by the SUPERNATURAL Season 7 Promo: Kiss Your Cass Goodbye.  
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** What's in the mind of Cas when he realizes he's about to lose pretty much everything?**

**_Feedback is highly appreciated!_**

**A/N: **_There is not much "Comfort" in this story but oh well.._

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><p><em>Once proud and full of passion, he fought by the cause of man<em>  
><em> Many people loved his courage, many followed his command<em>  
><em> He changed the old into the new, and the course of things to come<em>  
><em> And then one day they noticed he was gone...<em>

~ Closet Chronicles - KANSAS ~**  
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><p>I never thought I'd live through this. Never.<p>

I used to be an angel.. but now, I'm not exactly sure what I am.

My intentions used to be pure. I just wanted to help. But lately, it feels like I can't help anyone. Not even myself.

Lately, feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try, it doesn't matter the reason why I'm still trying, I feel like I've been corrupted.. or something. And I'm afraid I might fail. Fail on Heaven. Fail on Earth. Fail on those whom I tried so hard to protect..

Honestly, I don't fear failure itself. I can live with that. What I fear is acknowledging the fact that he was right. That Dean was right.. What if this wasn't that complicated? What if I caused an unnecessary mess? **What if I chose wrong?** Whatever the answers are, one thing I'm sure. I'll always remember his words.

"_When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!"_

A deal with the Devil. Well, when he put things in this perspective it did sounded pretty bad.

I made a deal with the King of Hell.

I know. What an anti-climax. The angel and the devil; side by side. It's quite Dantesque.

But what other choice I had? To bring Dean back? He had already lost the most important part of his life. More important than himself, for that matter. Sam was gone.

Spending some time with these humans, I learned that there's a limit of things that you can ask from someone. And Dean.. He had reached his limit and went over it a long time ago. Not only Dean. Sam as well.

The Winchesters did so much for the world and what did they get in return? A big pile of nothing. Well, nothing isn't the exact word. They lost their mother and father. Their dreams, those were never their dreams - not really. They had lost enough. Sam lost his freedom and locked himself with Michael and Lucifer in that cage. Dean lost his brother, one of the only things that kept him going and trying and standing up after fall.

So, now you tell me, would it be fair if I showed up, bringing it all back, all those memories that I knew that were so painful to him?

No. I couldn't ask that from a man who was already torn to shreds and struggling just to live one more day, to just try to be happy because he made a promise to his brother.

I couldn't. Not even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

The Winchesters weren't just humans. If there were such things as heroes, then that's what they were. Real heroes.

The future of humanity, Heaven and even Hell were so many times in the hands of those boys that it would be unfair if I asked one of them to join the fight one more time while the other was gone.

So I tried to do what I had already done once - to bring Sam from Perdition.

It took me a while but, eventually, I did it. Sam was up and kicking, except.. Unlike Dean, Sam wasn't exactly in Hell. Where he went to was much worse than Hell itself. He was accompanied with Lucifer and Michael; two sides of the same coin. One was an Angel, the other, the Devil. But hey were essentially the same. They were brothers once.

But, just like on Earth, in Heaven things are also a little complicated. Families are perfect only on the surface, to those who are out of it. From the inside, even angels had their differences. Now imagine being locked up with the perfect son and the prodigal. Things get very messy. And when I tried to rescue the youngest Winchester, the mess was so big that part of him didn't follow - his soul.

So, I tried to do what I thought it was right.

To prevent Rafael from accomplishing his wicked plan of starting the Apocalypse that was avoided by the Winchesters at such high cost.

To bring Sam back.

To keep Dean out of it all.

I wanted to do something good for them. I wanted to protect them. They were just humans.. Nothing more than men, yet, I considered them as equals. It was like, because we had the same ideals, we were like family - like brothers. But I ruined it all. I didn't mean to, but that's what happened in the end. With one bad decision, I ruined everything. I lost everything..

. . .

I stood by their side with pride. I fought their fight. But, like I mentioned earlier - I am not a human. Never was. So, things weren't that simple..

Looking back on all the things I did, I can tell that, for the first time in my life, I would probably do things differently if I could foresee the outcome.

I didn't know that it would happen. I didn't know it would be that messy..

I promise, I thought I was doing something good. I could swear it was for the best. I was trying to save my Father's creation. The one he told us to bow down to and love like we loved Him.

So I did. And many of my species did as well.. But, suddenly, it felt like I was the only one who was willing to stand by them and not allow their destruction.

But why? Why would Archangels want to sit and watch the humans being destroyed? They may not be perfect creatures, but they're not all bad. Was I the only one who could see some hope? That's why I did what I did.. I wanted to protect them.

But now, look at me.. I rebelled against the ones of my kind. I lost the ones I was trying to protect. What's left for me?

I never thought it would get this complicated. I never thought I'd be the one carrying the stigma of a traitor. Me. I'm just doing what my Father asked me to do.. Even when he disappeared, turning Heaven into a contest, where some of my brothers wanted to show who's the best, who has the bigger wings to take over His place.

I would say that this is not right.. but, apparently, lately, my conceptions of right and wrong seem to be compromised..

Maybe I've been compromised by spending this much of time amongst human beings.. But I got to see "life" through a different perspective.. and maybe I took some things for granted. If I could say one thing, and if you would listen to me, I honestly don't know what I'd say..

I suppose they are waiting for an apology.. But let me just say a few things before we get to that.

I've held them in my hands and saved their lives; I intercede in their favor many times; I got out of my way, only to help them because I knew that's what they needed.. But I think, in the end they are right. I do owe everyone an apology. I did one bad choice and it took us where we are.. Regardless of all the good things I did, you people will always remember the one time I screwed things up. And for that I'm sorry.

I am so sorry I didn't reach your expectations. But, part of me, still prefers to say "I'm sorry" than to face what it could have happened if I came to his door, right after he lost his brother, asking for his help.

For a while, he was out of the life that caused him so much pain.. and, as an Angel, even though I'm a soldier, I was taught to make your kind my priority. So, seeing Dean out and living him life away from what had already caused him so much pain, made him lose many in his life.. He was sad, but I was a little happy. And I thought, if I took Sam, out of that cage, he'd be happy as well.

But I suppose, in the end it doesn't matter, right? It was not enough..

Everything is messed up. And acknowledging the fact that I may have caused all this, it doesn't make things any easier..

Maybe I was too proud - _a fallen angel and a sinner, things are only getting better, right?_

Well, I thought I could handle it, but, in reality, I'm not as powerful as you thought I as, as they thought I was.. as I thought I was. And, looking back, that's probably the reason why I'm here now..

Is this the end? I don't know.. Maybe it's my end. But I sure hope that, what I did, as wrong, bad, hideous it was, was also helpful, in a way that it will allow those two brothers, whom once I considered to be closer than my own brothers, and, even more important to me than my own kind, to keep going, and keep fighting, but over all, they can stay together as a family.

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><p><em>Allow me to forget the life I've made my own<em>  
><em> I've held this nation in my hand, and yet it's not my home<em>  
><em> Oh, allow me just one answer, and one reason why<em>  
><em> Why this refugee of the family of Man must die? Tell me why?<em>

_Daydreams filled his night times, and nightdreams filled his days_  
><em> Confusion and uncertainty, a puzzled mind of haze<em>  
><em> You thought he was so powerful, and set upon his ways<em>  
><em> Well he left us all to follow through this maze<em>

_I heard the king was dying, I heard the king was dead_  
><em> And with him died the chronicles that no one ever read<em>  
><em> The closet's fully empty now, it's occupied by none<em>  
><em> I'll draw the drapes, now destiny is done<em>

_~ Closet Chronicles - KANSAS ~_

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><p><strong>AN:** Even though I'm a Winchester girl, I really can't see Cas as the bad guy, so._._


End file.
